Never thought in a million years this shit would hurt so much. 

I always wanted it this way.  For you to move on and find someone that can make you happy, because Lord knows I was not the one. 

Now that you’re gone, and you’ve done just that… I am feeling the sting of your absence.  I am extremely happy that things will workout for you, because I always felt that you deserved it.  I always felt that what you had for me, wasn’t true love… but more of an obession… and so during those dark times, where evil thoughts consumed your mind, I told you that there will always be better days, and promising you that everything will get better…give it time. 

I’m so happy you took my advice, because now you will see, that love is not suppose to hurt, and you will see that there is someone who loves you unconditionally.  But with someone else loving you unconditionally, means I can no longer be there.  I won’t be able to stay and see how your life will turn out with this new person that you’ve helped to create.  And now that the tables have turned, it’s me that’s feeling that very pain, undeniably. 

I thought you’d always be there, but I was obviously wrong.  You weren’t going to be. It wasn’t in the plan.  GOD’s plan.  Because even though I was thinking one thing, you were doing another, while reassuring me that what I was thinking was right.

I’m allowing for the healing process to occur.  I know this pain is just temporary, and it won’t hurt as much eventually… As I deal with this alone, it’s hard as fuck.  But I wasn’t built this strong only to crumble when I think I’ve been defeated. 

I miss you, and I think I always will.  <3

I have so much shit going on in August.

I have been planning to go to Chicago sometime this summer, but there’s just not enough time with work… :( all my weekends have been booked.

So this past weekend was wonderful as usual. As mentioned in my previous post, I was dedicating this weekend to studying. Weeeeeeeeelllllllllllllll that didnt go as planned. Friday I stayed in, and was doing some studying, & then was asked if I wanna come out on Saturday to a house warming, & then chill out on a patio with my girlfriends & a few guys. I was like, “Sure why not.” #kanyeshrug

So Saturday comes & I head out to the house warming…my girlfriend got the days mixed up, because the house warming was to take place on Sunday, & not saturday….so we ended up heading to a birthday party in Pickering which turned out to be wicked!

BUT

Prior to that we headed to kelsey’s cus I was MARVED. I was so hungry, I probably could have eaten someone. #sideeye

So me, my girl Beautiful & Kisha rolled out to Kelsey’s where we acted a fool!!
I ate the chicken parmeasan with alfredo sauce, which was out of this world declicious….and I had a daqauri…while Beautiful had steak & veggies from the “healthier” side of the menu, & Kisha ate the chilli hicken bites, which were peppery as hell.

So while we waited to hit up the patio, we got a text of a birthday party that was happening in Pickering. So we jetted out there….

One thing I love, is random nights. When shit doesnt go as plan, but you still end up doing shit that is a lot of fun.

Saturday was that day.

We hit up Pickering, at this BEAUTIFUL house. Man, if I had a husband, I would tell him, “Babe. THIS is the house I want.” The backyard was gorgeous. So beautiful that “Beautiful” said she could have her wedding reception here. We get to the spot, and low & behold Lisa was there. So we hit up the backyard & go on the deck & smoke & hang out. I was just in awe of the deck I was snapping photos like I had no gottdamn sense. LOL

Shoutout to the heffas who make my weekends funfilled. 

I got a photo of Kisha dancing, and was so um…er…drunk, that she slips! LOL! I am still dying @ that video.

We hung up stairs for awhile until, we went down, below the deck where the DJ was on the dance floor & spent the rest of our night there.

My photos did the deck no justice.  The backyard was just straight amazing.   

Behind us is the neighbour who had a pool that I wanted to go jump in.  But on the side of Kisha, the backyard leads into a ravine & a baseball diamond.  Like I am packing my bags & moving here. LOL Anyway, we were there till about 2.30am, then I dipped & went to see “him.”

With all my pinning that night to him, talking all reckless, you’d think I was smoking & drinking…  I guess he knows me pretty well not to take my shit talking serious, because I went IN. 

I just wanted to see him, & get some love. 

I went to bed with a smile that night.

Balls the other day, and picked up, “chopped” this dude. Got his number and we hung out the following day. lol

I made a vow to myself this year that I am going out with a bang. No more being all subtle & shy, and expecting ‘dudes’ to pick me up. I know a few ladies who went after what they wanted, and they are happily in relationships.

I figured, I am missing out on opportunities…dudes out here are on this tip of “I don’t ‘chop’ girls…” and I have to wonder, “How in SAM HILL do you meet women then?” Like, if you see a woman who you find is attractive, and you don’t approach her to see what she’s about, how exactly are you ‘dating’ or ‘getting women’ ??? They look at me as if I have about 3 breasts, then say, “I dunno…” THEN go into a full fledge conversation, explaining to me that most of the women they meet are through mutual friends, or they just happen to be in an environment where they are able to speak to each other, and it goes from there.

LAME.

I know exactly what the problem is. It’s that they are afraid of the expectation. Not rejection. But expectation… because rejection doesn’t hurt…it’s the expectation.

Then I have to wonder like, ‘okay so if you think that a woman will diss you because you approached her, then YOU sir need to check yourself.’ You need to figure out, ‘why am I attracted to women who don’t know how to conduct themselves and simply say they are not interested.’ If you are trying to ‘holla’ at women who are not at your calibur…or better yet…don’t carry themselves like a lady, then you should not expect anything less than embarrassment when you do try to approach her.

I’m not going to dismiss the fact that there are women out there who appear classy, yet feel they’re shit don’t stink…but fellas…have some confidence in yourself to say, “Okay lady, have a good day…” and walk with your head high. :)

I always engage in a convo when a guy approaches me. I don’t care if he’s missing all of his top teeth, He wears a patch over one eye cus it’s missing, limps, AND has a lisp. I’ll engage in conversation. And let him know I’m not interested. :)

With all that’s said: This leaves us women to have to go out there and pick ya’ll up… like C’MONNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have no problems being attentive, or acting a little forciful in a RELATIONSHIP…but to have to do ALL the work cus ya’ll are shy with it from the start???? #sideeye

Not cool.

Back to my story: So I hit up dude in a club and we went out for coffee the next day. Really good looking guy…like I was thoroughly impressed with his outer appearance… like…he was a true buttery biscuit…

BUT he ain’t about sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit!

*sings* On 2 the next, on on 2 the next one…

#rant

People are begging to be friends with other people because they feel lonely, YET they can’t even give all of themselves to the current relationships they have now?

Does that make sense?

I find it completely hard to maintain friendships…Especially when those same relationships are with people who are needy. I have a plethora of female friends who I adore….they all have qualities that I love. If I could mesh them all into ONE person, I would…and would not have to have so much girlfriends. hahahhahha…

But really though, relationships are difficult to maintain. Everyone is going through SOMETHING. People have expectations of YOU, and they have their own values and feelings and qualities, and it can be difficult to remember what’s important to THIS person, compared to another, all the while maintaining a selfless quality about YOURSELF and… *Sigh*

It’s just demanding.

They say as you get older your phonebook gets smaller…I don’t necessarily find that with myself. I have always been a chick that had a lot of female friends.

I do love it by the way. :D

I did my “searching” sort of speak, during my teenager years, so now that I am a grown woman, the ladies that are in my life, are pretty much going to be my life long friends…unless of course they decide to unsubscribe to the friendship.

At this point in my life, I am not looking to get out there and actively meet new people. Chicks at that. I know a lot of people, and I am content. AND also drained if I may add…The internet and these social media sites do not aid in relationships these days. The shit is just desensitizing us, and people are becoming more and more disrespectful behind their computer and phone screens.

People are less engaging with others, and then people wonder why their relationships are diminishing, or they can’t understand why they are loosing friends. Communication the old fashion way is nearly extinct. People are saying they are not a ‘phone person,’ or they have less things to say in person, then over bbm/text/internet.

Pardon me? We are a specie of language. Compared to other types of species on this earth, we use words to speak. What do u mean you’re not a phone person? What do u mean, you don’t like to talk in person? When did this change? We use to be up all night chatting on the phone until the sun came up….

This shit is all surreal to me.

I don’t like to be put into a group….I have never had girl drama…clique issues…none of that. Why? Because all my friends are scattered….and I love that.

And it’s great, because all my friends don’t like everything that I like….I have friends who wouldn’t go to a club with me, but prefer to just eat dinner or attend specific type events…then I have girlfriends who are all about the club…then I have friends who are all about experiencing shit that you wouldn’t think to try….etc.

It’s great.

So with that said…begging new friends? Yearning to meet new people? It’s not in my DNA.

I don’t have that much time. I am one person, and I need to focus on how I can tighten my relationships with the beautiful women I am so blessed to have in my life.

Throw Back photos:

Zigga Zagga Productions Calender Release party December 2009

Me @ home chilling September 2009

Me @ school in class in April 2010

Celebrating a birthday in Summer July 2010

*sigh* those were the days….Summer we miss you

When you realize how perfect everything is, you will tilt your head back and laugh to the sky <3

Day 3: What’s your favourite Tumblr Blogs?

Ooooo um, I don’t follow a lot of people, but everyone whose on my tumblr are my favourites. :D

I was already annoyed due to seeing someone, and at this point I wanted to be left alone.

My homegirl who I call my baby sis, because she is younger than I, and inexperienced with life, hit me up about a problem she has been experiencing with a boy for the last two years. 

She was acting childish and immature about the situation, and I about had enough with her bullshit.

I put her on blast, and told her about her parts and crevices via bbm.  *The truth* I then told her, she must love the situation because she has done nothing at all to get out of it.

I also then proceeded to tell her, she got me at the worse time, which is why I was acting this way towards her.  I didn’t apologize, because I meant every word I said. 

I refuse to apologize, because I believe what I said, she needed to hear.

She accepted all that I said *The truth* and stated that it will be hard, but she is going to work on it.

HOURS later…she puts a picture up of our convo as her bbm display picture and said in the caption “Working on it….”

I fucking LOVE her.  I hope being blunt paid off.

I feel bad because of how harsh I was with her. But she’s one of the FEW people I know, who can accept truth when it’s given.  No matter how HARSH the shit maybe.

I been working on taking a chapter out of her book.  Accepting the truth about myself.

I only have one friend, who tells me like it is.  No chaser.  Straight talk.  It burns every time, but I appreciate it & her so much!!! Which is why I am always brutally honest with my friends.

You may not like what I have to say, but you will respect me for it.

49. How is your heart lately?

It has finally seen better days.  I am so happy right now in my current situation.  Having full control over your feelings is truly a GREAT thing. 

Couldn’t have been any better.

48. Something you’re happy about?

I am happy that I have life. 

I just heard two females died in a car accident by my home on Hurontario.  I immediately was contacted and asked if I was OK. 

I love my friends. 

It’s such a sad story to hear…but I am grateful I am able to write this…that I am well, living healthy.  That I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my tummy! ;)  Not to mention people who ADORE me.

45. Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Unfortunately yes. 

And I feel horrible about it too.

41. Are you still in love with your ex?

I swear I feel like I’ve answered this before.

I am not in love with him…but I definitely have love for him.  We have an extensive history that has molded our relationship into a great friendship that I cherish. We’re finally at the stage where the level of respect that we have for each other is high and mutual, and he’s someone I can trust with my life.

I’m a firm believer you have to let things go naturally.

Let things come out of ure system when it’s suppose to, and don’t force it. 

I answered this, in one of the days of my 49 day challenge, and I feel like it’s the only way you can be free from whatever is holding you down/back.  It’s definitely hard, and depending on how tremendous the pain is, will seem like forever.  But embrace the emotions and feelings, and learn from them. 

I really liked someone, and it’s taking me almost the entire year to get over them.  LOL.  #kanyeshrug  but rather get involved with someone else to help ease the pain (or so I think),  I just decided to deal with it, and emerse myself in the feelings.  It’s the best thing I have ever done in a situation of heartbreak (I wasn’t in love…but the connection was killer strong). 

We are all built for it.  Heartbreak that is.  Our hearts are built to withstand these emotions WE put ourselves in. 

Embrace the heartbreak, remember what got you there, and allow yourself to feel.  Once you’re in control of it, you’ll feel much better.

(via drops-of-callisto-deactivated20)

omg that is dope!! <3

(Source: deliverthiscreature, via ivxxixiix)